My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
