My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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