My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
