Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
