i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
