The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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