You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
