I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
