well I can't set my house on fire every night
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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