so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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