if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
