i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
