I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
