just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
