Your tits are I can't wait for
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
