Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i dont even know how to be here
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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