dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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