Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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