I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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