So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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