By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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