there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
