i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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