The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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