im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
