Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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