Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
