sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
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Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
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Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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