all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
