can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
