He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
