your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
