Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
