I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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