Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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