Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
