How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
