Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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