I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
