Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
