i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
