I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
