i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
