He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
