Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Its about making memories worth repressing
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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