Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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