You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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