I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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