Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
