Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
