2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
