You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
two words...techno handjob
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
