I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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