my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
