he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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