You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
