Jerry, you need to find god
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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