I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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